New Year New Hopes (I hope) in 2010 :)

Alot happened this year... and now everything is coming to an end again. As Ms Lai, Bao and me sat there devouring the TCC's "Dark Devotion" and secretly glad that Zhi and Chunyu weren't in town so that we could have more of the delicious chocolatey goodness, we reminisced about our Cedar girls' schooldays and how everything seemed like yesterday.

Bao wished that she can go back to our secondary school days. Ms Lai and me wished to go back to Uni life so that we at least would make a different choice in our course of study. Gee... there are so many things that I would have done differently if I can turn back time. If I have the chance, I would love to have the opportunity to go overseas to have my education! To finally do something that I really like :).

We also concluded that something is damn wrong with our education system... like in primary school, idiotic teachers would scare us out of our wits if we didn't bring our textbooks... and there was this strange rule that we couldn't drink water in class, and this rather pathetic one that involves us putting our fingers on our lips to keep us quiet. What the heck was all that?! We could sue them for child abuse. I think it's all these abuse that makes me a maladjusted chicken little in my adult life... mmm... sighsighs. I really wonder in 10-20 years... would like look back like now and have some new insights into my life in my 20s... like how I realise capitalism is leeching us of our freedom and life... or something like that...

Anyway, looking back... 2009 haven't been all that bad, except when it comes to my so-called career. I married this bah long long little beng. Yes... it's really true love. Cos we are both damn unattractive. Hiak hiak hiak. I got my grade3 voice and grade 5 theory music exam certs and moving on to my grade5 voice in 2010. Hope to get to grade8 in 2012. I performed solo (finally) in a public spot. I made it to Brisbane and Bangkok... B-grade places. Ok bad joke. Oh yes, I moved into my beautiful new flat... So well, even though 2009 ended on a bad note. I will gambate in 2010. As the BLL Beng says... we must be like a ball.... and bounce back higher the harder we are hit. So I must jia you and not be splat on the ground like a tomato. Nodnod.

So... in conclusion... (pardon me... been writing too many essays for public sector jobs...), what's past past and we must look to the future. Time passes by too fast. Let's do our best and not have any regrets when we look back in our 40s. SO HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2010 will be FANTASTIC!

Sad Christmas

Been trying to perk myself up but I can't.... it's a sad sad christmas...

Crossroads

My Christmas wish would be that Spring will come. Hahahaha... *praypray*.

Life Stinks

I took this picture in Homefix which is rather apt for me at the moment. Life STINKs. Ah gee.... I just watched Avatar and I think it's great. Makes me escape reality for a while and dream a little. Haven't been strolling down life and dream little dreams like I used to when I was younger. Things do seem so much simpler back then doesn't it? I remember I used to skip happily home after school across this huge green field in Serangoon. It feels really great to do that especially after it rains and the air is cool. There will be little birds bathing happily in the puddles that form and dragonflies flitting all over the field. And I felt happy.

But now that field is gone and they have built a huge big concrete mall over it, filled with the same boring shops and soon once everything is up, the place will be filled with the same mindless zombiefied lonely humans spending another mindless weekend trekking the malls with nothing better to do. And nope... there will be no more little birds and dragonflies and geeky little me prancing happily across that field no more.

Sometimes I wonder why we are doing what we are doing now for... Mass produced by our education system to fit into roles that are needed. Used by money grubbing corporations to milk us into enslaving ourselves to produce even more money for them. And the problem is we are so poisoned by what we are taught since young that we can't retaliate. Am I making sense? I am not sure. But I think the world is not a pretty place.

I'm tired.

Words of Wisdom from a Little Brother

Iuhiz says:
i no know about working life.. but i just know that its ok to fail and its even better to fail often becos only then can u become successful faster

1am

1am and still awake... Haven't been so sad in a long time.

A Little Fall of Rain

Can hardly hurt me now....

Gotto stop crying and be strong! Jia you gogo. But I'm so tired.

God give me strength.

I DID IT! :D

Hiak hiak hiak. Had my first solo performance in a public area yesterday. Feel rather proud of myself. Even though a few days before, I contemplated feigning sickness in order to escape this. It's a showcase of the schools students. I sang my exam piece which is an art song... damn boring. I think the audience fell asleep... but I'm still glad I did it :D. Yippee!

* On a sidenote... I think my arms are fat. Shit. *

Dedicated to Stupid Interviewers

I have been to my fair share of interviews. From those absolutely intimdating to those utterly pointless and boring. And of course, there are those interviews that are totally stupid. Personally I find questions like "Tell me 3 characteristics you look out for in the companies that you apply for", or "Give an occasion whereby you exhibited analytical skills" a waste of my time. Tell me... what can you assess about me from these? There was another case of an idiot asking me first about what product I have done that I find most challenging and after a few questions, ask me about my most challenging task. Frankly... what's the difference between the 2 questions. It shows very little thought process and probably just plucking out a few questions from 'Interview Questions 101". And there are those interviewers who act haughty and intelligent just because they happen to sit on the other side of the table. In case you didn't notice, we the interviewees... do have a brain and can smell your ignorance from those dumb questions.

Last and not least... for pete's sake, we spend time and effort to dress up, take leave and travel all the way down for an interview. Stupid interviewers, please do your homework and think about what you are trying to achieve. Agony....

Far from the Madding Crowd

Here are the pictures of my little sanctuary (plus a really lousy model)....

Relatively Speaking....

I have never thought of myself being dumb, just not exceptionally outstanding. But still slightly above average. But now.... I feel absolutely stupid. Especially when all the folks seem to ingest capacitors and inductors for lunch, and talk of stackup, cross-talk and impedance matching with maniacal enthusiam.

Initially I brushed all these off thinking they are way older than me and I should have some time to catch up to them if I tried hard enough. But after the arrival of this smart girl with tons of experience and knowledge and held in reverence by the bosses, my inferiority complex soar to new heights. She's young and capable and smart. I'm haggard, blunder is my middle name and stupid. I asked for some help regarding this analog design on my pathetic testboard, and was referred to her to help look at my "low priority" project if she is free. Like my board, I think I'm one of the lower priority individuals in the group.

Relatively speaking... I suxs. Must find something which very few people do so that I am relatively good even if I'm bad. Helphelp. :'(

Thank You for the Music

A certain Quah and me tinkering on the piano in my little corner makes me happy.

Rain Rain Go Away...

Garoupa lookalike unclish engineer barking at me like crazy dog. Old ang moh uncle pretending to me nice but BCCing the whole world the emails I wrote to him to consult him on technical questions. Bosses who hold meetings late into the evening. Revered elders who get to do all the visible technical work and me picking up the shit. Ridiculous expectations of having to work late/weekends/midnight teles. Android peers who have higher expectations than your boss. Vendors pushed into premature delivery due to unreasonable demands. Colleague hospitalised for 2 months because of overwork. Numerous female friends leaving. Low reproduction rate...

When is all these going to end? It never rains... It pours.... I need a TIME OUT.

Unattractive

After a particularly disastrous bbq birthday lunch for my mama, with a bloated tummy, oily face and the smell of smoke in my hair....

ME: I am so bloody unattractive.

The BENG: Me too.

(Contemplative silence as we rubbed our bellies)

The BENG: It's ok. We are attracted by each other's unattractiveness.

ME: -_-" .....

Jobs Jobs Jobs... There are no good Jobs...

It's so tiring to go for interviews and feeling your morale go down Down DOWN as your hopes get dashed one by one.... Are there no better places than my ex-division?

Help.

BLOOP Bloop bloop....

But I must still -

Story of the Slower Cabby (by CoolQuah)

Coolquah has a taxi theory:

(p>"This taxi-uncle drives along very fast so that he can outrun the traffic light which was turning red. He manages to do so but when he looks into his rear view mirror, he realises that even though the slower cabby behind him is caught by the traffic light, he manages to pick up some passengers."

How this translates to my situation? - I may be very far behind my peers and even juniors at the moment, but instead I may gain something more if I don't give up and march steadily forward?

Hmmm.... I hope so. Hiak hiak hiak.

Interesting theory.

The End of the Innocence

I woke up with dull numbing ache in my heart. I am not a person who can empathize well with people because I am usually too self centered and too caught up in my little whirlpools of self-worry. But this time, I just cannot wash away the nagging pain that bites at me to see a person I care about in so much anguish and that I am unable to do anything to ease the pain.

I'm so sad. Sad that all of us have to grow up and face the big bad world. Sad that not everybody can have a happy ever after. Sad that perhaps a part of our innocence died and we can never find it back again. But then again, life goes on, doesn't it? Where we fall, we have to pick ourselves up. I hope time can heal all wounds....

CoolQuah CoolQuah, xiao3 qing1 wa1!

Even though my life at work has been extremely trying... I think I'm very blessed to have a short little balding man who takes time to listen to my strangely repetitive complaints which sound like it's from a broken recorder. He gamely supports my requests for quitting and ask me to pursue my dreams even though he may have to take on a bigger portion of the burden of building a home and a family. Something which I seldom hear other husbands agree to.

He has interesting views to life and has shown me insight into so many things which I did not see before. He is always positive and cheerful, dancing and hopping around happily like an overexcited little puppy every morning to a new day, while I unwillingly drag myself out of bed to face another crazy day at work. But it's impossible not to have your spirits lifted with such a livewire around.

Even if the whole world see him as this incorrigible lazy little beng puffing away at his hoon kee, I think he is more alive than alot of people I know... with all their minds consumed by work in this hectic world and desperate to climb up the corporate ladders.

Gee... I think it's good to have someone to share my life with.... :D

Lost in the Wilderness...

Lost slowly dying in the wilderness....

I think I'm headlong into a cliff. You know the kind of feeling when you feel like you are walking in this dark and misty forest, stumbling helplessly along. Wanting to shout for help but fearing that you will attract wild hungry beasts instead to devour you...

What the bloody hell is wrong with me? Scared of the dark and every step I take... It's driving me nuts!!!

I'm too weak and cowardly. Sighs. :(

The Little Organic China Girl ;P

I have been meaning to write this blog for a long time but I was too caught up with my work and house to really get down to it... Perhaps the best thing that ever happen to me in my new workplace is this new bunch of girlfrens I made. Usually girls hang out in cliques and one gang will not get on well with the other, which is why I think guys are easier to hang out with cos' they are slightly simpler and more forgetful. Anyway, I am blessed with meeting this group of girls who are around my age and the good news is... we click after going through some moment of awkwardness when we try to size one another up.

Little Miss Organic is the girl who I want to talk about in this post. The girl with the cherubic red cheeks and sunny disposition. She takes everything within her stride and her simplicity totally entrances me... It's amazing that someone our age can see the world through such untainted glasses... She exclaims with pleasure when she saw a little red bird on a tree and kept exclaiming "So cute! So cute!" in halting English like a young child who appreciates the simpler things in life. And she sees in the good side in everybody... even those we think chuiz till cannot chuiz... she still manages to say something nice about them. Even when she meets with problems, like her husband being retrenched and all, she is still cheerful and happy. And when we realised that her husband has flown to Canada to further his studies, and her having to quit her job to follow him there soon with no job and all, she took everything in her little stride, as if all the problems are nothing at all. Her famous quote (loosely translated from Chinese) " Job gone liao still can find. Husband gone liao much harder to find." Hiak hiak hiak... she cracks me up.

So I guess it might be easier to think and live simple, take the ups and downs in life with a big happy smile and be glad with the things you have in life.

Live Organically!

As an add-on

Now I know why I hate my job....

Cos' it is not alive. IT's dead.

Okok.... I shut up.

Qing Lao Shi

I had a little BIG nudge to improve myself more today, thanks to a sweet old lady called "Qing Lao Shi". She's the relief voice coach I had today cos' my usual one is on leave. She is generous with her praises and frank about my weaknesses. And I could see her genuinely trying to think of ways to help me improve.

I guess that's what being a teacher is all about. To share with your students your passions and genuinely wanting to help them to improve. Man... I do feel motivated today!

As Qing Lao Shi said,"Singing is an art and it is alive. You have to continually learn in different ways to grow."

Paddle away duckie! :D (Though my pic is a seagull cos' I'm too lazy to get a duckie picture.)

Zipedee Zip Zip!

Next time I shall keep my big mouth shut and keep my opinions and thoughts to myself because they can so easily be misconstrued. Damn the sensitive human race!

"Dear friends"... But never "So long"... (Okok lame and most of you probably don't get it)

Wooo... I just read both my dear frens' blogs about my wedding day. Actually... I am feeling darn blessed. Blessed to have such great pals and a loving family. So all you pink girls out there, dun wipe me off the Hi tea/Late night saturday date list just cos' I'm married k!!! I will dump that beng and hang out with all of you till all of you are dead sick of me. Luv you all. MUACKS!

Too Many Changes

Too many changes can be tiring. I miss my home, my bed, my computer, my piano, my mama, my papa, my idiot brother and mainly being by myself. I think i'm a hermit crab. I like to be alone in my little corner :).

Ah well... jia you gogo!

The Simple Pleasures in Life

There's nothing like a dip in the pool after the rain. When the water is comfortably cool and the wind caresses your wet face... Sighs. Life is good when you have the time to enjoy it.

Meow Meow

There she sat, 2 seats away from me... happily scratching her ears and peeking at the silver watch the guy right next to her was wearing. What struck me was her eyes. Big brown almond shaped eyes, sitting there happily. Pretending to be a cat. A very pretty one too. And she can sing and dance...

The musical had me entranced. Ok... I was abit groggy during the first half, but I can't help but be utterly captivated by the whole dancing cats routine. I was skeptical about the musical. Cats?! Singing and Dancing?! Gimme a break! Geez... But boy was I wrong. When you have a whole pack of them singing, dancing and purring in front of you, they are a sight to behold! Especially when they are all gorgeous and have tight buns and no wobbly bits when they dance... in tights. Hiak hiak hiak. I sound perverky... mmm.

It's amazing the amount of talent that was on display by the performers. Sighs... It must be damn fun to be backstage preparing for the show, putting on makeup, feeling the jitters before they go on stage. Such an interesting life! And they get to jet around the world performing. How cool is that? Wohoo! It's so damn cool to be ang moh cats... S'pore cats are just plain boring unadventurous creatures. Sighsisghs. Sometimes I wish I'm born angmoh, then I won't be this manufactured boring engineer... come to think of it.. even if I'm not an engineer, I'll probably be some boring accountant or teacher or programmer. Bleah, typing out those jobs make me wanna sleep as well.

Anyway, I saw this show by Belinda where she travel to different areas of the world to find Singaporeans and see how they are doing. There was this young boy learning piano in this country where I don't even know where it is. And there was this young couple, just 27, in Papua New Guinea, working and setting up a church. All these people are so impressive. Going all out to follow their dreams. :) Warms my heart that there are people who break out of the mould to follow their hearts.

Okie... gotto go back to find this irritating thing which I gotto prepare for the Beng's Tekan. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Evil Laughter*

"But You are YOUNGER than 34 right?"

Yes. Stabbed in the heart with just a simple question by a 24 year old. Who would have thought that the cute little girl (ok fine... some can say she's not cute) in the picture will be hitting the big 3-0 soon. I mean... what... you mean you can't tell I'm not 30 yet. Shit... ask me such a question. Sighsighs. Do I look old? Am I haggard? How old do you think I'm.... geez... Women and their insecurities. Sometimes I wish I'm Bao... she looks forever21. And here I'm unhappily ageing away...

So what do I do with the rest of my life? I don't have much time if I want a change, especially at such an advanced age. I need to get out of smelling stinky solder, squatting in climatics chamber, meeting impossible deadlines... but what can I do? Need to plan for my future.

Ah well... but too busy now. Gotto start seriously thinking after the big day.

HATE ME JOB!

Must... listen... to J... Mraz... help......

Hear the wedding bells chime....

I was thinking that my previous few posts were unhappy posts. Which seems to give the loopsided illusion that my life is sucky. But the problem is... I usually write when I'm upset or stressed or simply cos' I'm bored. Nevertheless.... I shall try to bring a little balance back into my blogs by writing about happy stuff!

Frankly... my brain is kinda numb... I know I should be bloody excited... or crazy looking forward to my wedding day. But somehow, the reality of things haven't seeped in yet. I just feel darn busy... But thankfully, the Quah is amazingly competent. He is the one running the whole show. From checking up on the new flat to doing the montage and preparing the invitation cards. And despite the craziness, he still manages to pick me up everyday when I OT unhappily into the night.

I was actually thinking one day when I was super tired and I stepped out from the office lift to see the Quah waiting for me besides his car, that if like in those movies when the female lead gets amnesia and can't remember her husband or something but they suddenly have headaches and some flash-backs...? I think what I will recollect will be a mysteriously shadowily short figure standing by the car, or someone in a singlet opening an umbrella to shelter me on a rainy day (but the umbrella will strategically cover the face). Or a man emerging from the darkness with 2 cups of peach green bubble tea.... Hmmm...

Anway, I am also glad my sisters are there to help me... even though I'm enforcing on them to wear pink. :P. OKOK! I know pink dresses are hard to find...

Sighs... all I want to do is to lie on my grassy patch and watch the world go by.... or tinkle on my piano and hum a little tune. LALALALALALALALife is wonderful! LALALALALALALALALife is beautiful!

Ok... back to sticking the insets to the cards.

LALALALALALALALALife is meaningful.

So what if I choose to be in this line and still ain't good at it. Suckers!

This is a super venting post. I'm afraid if I don't vent. I'm gonna explode. Ok, let's say you are a super duper ultimate fantastic worker and you move quickly through the ranks to be a super high flying manager. And under you are some workers who may not be "up to your standard". And you tell them that well.. too bad... you choose to be in this line, so don't give you shit about not knowing your work well enough. What kind of F*** is that. Give people a bloody chance to learn lar. Besides, you are just lucky you are in a line that is good to you. One day the tables may turn and I hope you kana retribution. POS. *FYI... the person in question who kana is not me. But I suspect sooner or later... I'll be condemned cos' I'm neither technically inclined or am I blessed with a glib tongue to get me out of sticky situations.*

Beware evil-doers.... just because you are good at this job you are in... and you think it makes you king and you can start antagonizing people who are weaker than you just because you are in a position of authority. Think again. You may just be a GOONDU in other areas... and a really pathetic human being. So what if you digest resistors and capacitors for lunch and you can actually see electrons move. And you are like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix when it comes to eliminating bugs. But when you behave like that. You are Pathetic with a BIG PPPPPPPP. PPPPPPIECE OF SHIT YOU. Ok...

End of vent. Feel better... whoosh.

Just wanna hide in my Nothing Box

I am tired. Just plain bone deep weary. I can't hide in my nothing box for longer than 5mins before someone pulls me back into reality with more tasks to complete... NO! Don't ask me about how my confounding job is! No! Don't talk to me about wedding stuff and tons of things that is left dangling in the air! No! Let's not discuss about how my home renovations will be! NONONONONO! I don't want to talk about all those things. I just want peace and emptiness in my brain. I want nothing in my brain when I stare mindlessly at the TV. I want to do and think about nothing. I want to rest. I'm tired!!! Don't ask me how you can help too cos' I don't want to use my brain to think about how you can help. I'm TIRED!!! If you don't understand tired. GOOGLE IT! Don't ask me why I'm tired too cos' I dunno how to explain to you. I'm tired cos' I'm tired!!! :'(

Maybe I'm weak. I ain't someone who can take too much stress. I was thinking that even when the whole world has evolved and attained Xmen-like abilities, I'll probably still be a plain little weak human that has become redundant. I change to suit the environment too slowly. Sighsighsighsssssss..... :'(

The only thing that keeps me sane now is playing JMraz songs over and over in the miserable sardine-can mrt train I'm in every morning. Squished against the door, with my toes trodded on, I distract myself listening to the music and quirky lyrics that gives some meaning to this crazy hectic life....

"Are the details in the fabric.
Are the things that make you panic.
Are your thoughts results of static cling.
Are the details in the fabric.
Are the things that make you panic.
Is it mother nature's sewing machine?
Are there things that make you blow hell no reason go on and scream.
If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing.
Everything will be fine.
Everything in no time at all.
Everything..."

Gimme a break please :'(.

Strolling down life with my Quah...

Thanks guys for trying to cheer me up when I was down. I think my darling daughter is right... I should be grateful that I have a passion I enjoy, rather than place unneccessary stress on myself. :). Singing does make me happy. I shall gambate! Jia you gogo!

I went for my prewedding photo shoots and it was the most fun I had in a long time. My makeup was inches thick, my hair as hard as stone from the hairspray and my eyelashes can trap flies. Ironically I look the prettiest I've ever looked in a long time. Hiak hiak hiak.

I think I've been a lucky girl to find someone to accompany me on the rest of life's journey. He has been my rock for the past 2 rollercoaster years and the best friend I've ever had. Anyway, can't wait to show all you people my photos! Hohoho!

Happy Valentine's Day!

You there in the back row. Hear me when I sing my songs. Hear me loud and clear and strong...

I am sad. Had a bad day at singing class today. Totally can't sight sing to save my life. And my voice teacher looked at me as if I'm mental again... x_x. I suxs. I tried to explain to the Quah the reason I feel so upset and why singing is so important to me. And he looked at me as if I were mental too. x_x....

Here's the story. It happened ever since the day I saw Les Miz when I was in secondary school. I wanted to be Eponine on stage. I wanted to be in the bloody spotlight and have my voice touch every heart in the hall that night. And from then on, I tried to move towards my dream. So much so that I tried too hard and lost my voice for a good 2 years. I kinda fell into depression then and took up piano instead to distract my attention away from singing. But I can't stop! So I decided to give it another shot again and got this really really fierce chinese voice teacher who screamed, " YOU CALL THIS SINGING?", every lesson. I didn't think much of her singing too ... but I wanted to learn as much as I can. So I NINJA REN. Till I managed to get into a youth choir and I sacked her. BWAHAHAHA! Tried that for nearly two years and got abit tired of the hectic schedule plus I hooked up a beng... so no time. So I went back to voice lessons which were more relaxed. Thought I finally found a teacher who has a lovely voice and is nice and patient then BAM!, she has to go Boston to further her studies... And now I have a teach who is so young... and somehow... made me realise that my dream will forever be a dream. I'm 6 years older than her and my standard is not even anywhere near her yet... Will I ever make it? Doesn't take a genius to figure that maths out I guess.

Much as I love to sing... I'm not too talented I guess... :'(. I probably have to stoop inside the lousy climatics chamber in the office and work as a lowly engineer forever because I'm not much good at my job too. I'm not good at anything. I'm sad.

"And he sang from his heart.

And he sang from his soul.

He did not know how well he sang.

It just made him whole..."

Bridezilla Hong... -_-"

It's official. I'm a bridezilla. I'm so bloody obsessed with my wedding dresses. To the point of absolute craziness. I was touchy when I couldn't find a perfect nightgown. I got slightly depressed when friends of mine commented that I should try other bridal studios when I showed them my fitting photos. I went ballistic when I didn't know which gowns to pick. And so nonsensically frustrated when the beng didn't offer me any comments I thought was useful. Sighs... It's crazy. And when I see other couples in their perfect wedding dresses, I get so so so.. i admit.. jealous. And now I'm still quite irritated that the beng doesn't think too much of the nightgown I chose. Sighs... I'm so discontented that it is irrational. Part of me knows that it's nuts to think this way cos' probably 99% of the guests don't even care less about the whole event and probably won't even notice what I wear. But then... I can't help it!!! This is crazy.

Another Crazy New Year x_x

I caught an offline msn message from bao asking me why I haven't been blogging. Well, life has been busy. And I'm tired... I'm busy with my wedding preparations. Busy with new year obligations. Busy with my singing exam mugging (PANIC!!! AM SO GOING TO FAIL!!!). Busy with social engagements. Busy with familiarizing myself with work. Busy with trying to think of ways to earn more money in case I can retrenched in the future. Busy worrying till I can feel my heartbeat pumping faster, my brain in overactive mode, and adrenalin in overdrive. Man... I'm one human being trying to do too many things at one go. I'm bad at prioritising... x_x.

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This new year has been like a whirlwind of events... I'm not sure how to describe it... It's like alot of things happened... and yet nothing happened at all...

Went for reunion dinner at my grandma's place as usual. Then next day it's the same old lunar new year visiting at my grandma's place which is the family's headquarters. There are so many relatives... it's like entering into a dream sequence once you enter the house. Your eyes are flooded with faces you are trying to recognise and make sense of... and everybody starts shouting happy new year at you and wishing you tons of new year greetings. You stagger through the house shaking hands and gathering angbaos in a daze. Then BAM! It's over. You are forgotten and they terrorise some other people who just arrived. Next comes the tricky part. You need to find and claim a territory and guard it with you life. It's so bloody crowded that if you let go your area, it means you have prowl the house, hoping you don't have to make too much small talk with people you bump into, till somebody has to go to the loo and you can snatch his/her seat. Then when you are comfortably resting in your territory, it is safe to observe the folks who are your blood relatives (Man, I made it sound like a curse. Keke.). There are a myraid of personalities. From the youngsters who just entered into the working world all dressed in really queer outlandish clothes trying to make a fashion statement. To the aunties and uncles who look over their children with over-indulgent eyes and relating to each other the going-ons in their life. It's kinda weird. We are family and yet somehow we are competing... Competing to see whose kids are the most successful, who dress the hippest, who is more wealthy... and so on... Me included. On new year's day every year, I will try to seem composed, collected, confident, pretty and so on... just to show the rest of the family that hey.. i'm doing well... you know.... I even carried my coach bag. It's crazy really... x_x. Not sure why I even bother to go to such an extent... must be my low self esteem wrecking havoc. Sighs... all these craziness every year. Somehow I just wish I can have some little time to myself... have a nice little dinner with my family all dressed in my pjs. Not concerned about having to make intelligent small talk and appear vivacious. But just be simple, boring, contented me with my little family who cares about me.

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My grandma (maternal side that is) is in hospital after she had a nasty fall and hurt her hip. Yup, she is spending her new year in hospital this year. My parents has been visiting her after work every day and this new year we have been spending time with her as well. It's really sad to be old and sick. I see her in pain, tired and scared. And I wish with all my heart that she will recover soon and be able to attend my wedding :'(. But somehow, I see other things as well. I see love. See the way my grandpapa travelled all the way down from Chinatown to AMK everyday to be with her. See how he spoke patiently the same sentences repeatedly to her when she couldn't hear. See how my mama spending hours boiling porridge for her and feeding her mouthful by mouthful. See my papa driving my mama and grandpa back and forth everyday.

I fingered my grandma's toes she she laid on the bed. One of her big toe has een amputated because she suffers from diabetes and she has bypass done on both her legs. Her skin looking so wrinkly next to mine and her toes, looking so much like mine, with the 2nd toe longer than the big toe. I could be her, in another few decades. I think it's important for young people like us to not forget about their contribution to our lives. Especially when it's so easy to forget them... when they are old and weak. I'm so guilty of rather visiting the malls and catching the latest movies, than visiting them once in a while. You have no idea how much their eyes light up when make the effort to visit them. I guess it's more meaningful than any hollywood blockbusters. Okok... shall stop my oversentimental outpouring.

:). Nitenite. Opps... too long a blog.